Fist A Ferret / Slaves To The Grind - Split 7"

Oh well... I admit it: guilty as charged. I have put off reviewing this little fucker for quite some time. Not because I don't like it, but because I wasn't quite sure what to make of it... I'm still not sure. But anyway, these are my thoughts:

1. It looks like shit. Seriously. The brown cover looks like a print job gone horribly wrong. Intentional? I have no clue. All I know is that even if I was a dedicated fan, I would never in my life pick this up in a record store, EVER.

2. Fist A Ferret must be one of the worst band names of all times. I'm sure that there is half way funny inside joke behind the name, but that doesn't make it any better. But then again, Hüsker Dü was a band name so incredibly bad... and who am I to complain?!

2a. Fist A Ferret even the score by calling their "label" (or whatever it is) Simmering Noise Productions. And if you know me, you'll know that two out of these three words mean a lot to me. I love noise. I would defend my 'hood to my last breath. Simmering rules, 1110 for life. There, I said it.

3. Whoah, nice sample! If you're not from Austria, you probably have no clue who Dagmar Koller is... but if you are, you will fucking appreciate this timeless and immortal quote!

4. I do like the music actually. Fast, fast, fast, no bullshit, violent hardcore. Dual vocals. Makes me think of Infest at times, a little bit of Spazz, some random 625 and Slap-A-Ham stuff, early Napalm Death and Unseen Terror, and damn, there's even some From Ashes Rise guitar lines thrown in the mix. On hyper speed, of course.

5. Slaves To The Grind is another REALLY BAD band name.

5a. Fuck them! Their name sounds like a Skid Row record (plus one letter), and they don't even sound like Skid Row.

5b. No, wait a second... I'll take that back. They made me wanna listen to cock rock again, so no "fuck them". Cool? Cool.

6. Do yourself a favor... never EVER look at their band photos. Their drummer is a fucking hippie, in a crust punk way. And like the lyrics to Saint Vitus' "Clear Windowpane", he's probably got "things living in his hair". Yikes.

7. Slaves To The Grind only know two speeds: fast and faster. Even though "playing a solid groove at 190 bpm can not be considered fast in 2009, BOLLOCK!" ... well, you know... sorry to say that, but I've heard it all before.

8. Now don't get me wrong - this is not a bad record. And these bands are probably the bomb at 3 AM in a squat basement... it's just that I don't go to 3 AM shows in squat basements anymore.

9. From a purely economic point of view, 12 songs on 7 inches are a pretty good deal... if the Bleeaauurrggh compilations never happened!

10. Oh, fuck it. Buy this record! If you're a young punk, it might just change your life. If you're old jaded like me, it might remind you of your glory days when Terrorizer was all the rage.

www.fistaferret.tk
www.slavestothegrind.se

Kodiak / Nadja - Split

All the way back in 1992, I bought a record. That record sucked so bad it was hard to believe. Eighteen years later, I can listen to it on an occassional basis without the urge to pierce my eardrums. I was a young snotty punk in 1992. In 2010, I am an old man. Old men sometimes sit on their couches with coffee and listen to boring records. This is how we do. But old men also get records in the mail, and don't buy a lot of stuff anymore - at least not because someone told them that there's this "masterpiece" out there. I have heard it all before. And here's a promise: I will never ever buy another Melvins record. I bought "Lysol" in 1992 because fucking Kurt Cobain said they were his favorite band, and that this record sounded like side B of "My War", and what I got for my hard earned cash was a shit sandwich on vinyl, and the deep conviction that the fucking Melvins are one of the most overrated bands of all times, right after the Beatles.

Eighteen years later, I find a record in my mail box that makes "Lysol" seem to be the masterpiece I was told it'd be.

Kodiak are from Germany. And shit, their "song" is just like the German Autobahn: long and boring. It takes them a good ten minutes to even find their drums in the studio, while someone puts a poor excuse for a piano sample over it, trying to be Varg Vikernes. Listen, Kai-Uwe, you can put your pedal to the metal on the Autobahn, and speed up things, race past the other BMWs. Why the fuck would you stay in the first lane, and drive your Volkswagen at the speed of a turtle? But oh, behold! Things just got even worse...

Nadja isn't even a band name. It's the name of an Eastern European prostitute. But damn, Polish hookers are probably a lot more fun than this band. Is it even a band? Or just one socially handicapped dude? Call me ignorant, but this is garbage. It's just white noise. Nothing ever happens here at all. And to put things like "recorded / composed / performed live in the studio blahblah" on your cover doesn't make it art, it just makes you look even more like the arrogant asshole that you are.

I never thought that I would say this in public, but records like this one make me want to listen to bullshit like the Locust. Or even the entire Bob Dylan discography. And that, my friends, is a form of torture that's probably outlawed in most civilized countries. Except Germany.

www.denovali.com
www.denovali.com/kodiak
www.nadjaluv.ca